Decisions

It rained today. I stood on the beach in my trench coat and green wellies watching the waves crash against the shore then watching the raindrops make impressions on the sand in their wake. It had been so long since it had rained and I wanted to be out in it. I tried to remember when that was. A year ago in the same coat, but on a street corner with a man I had just barely met. It wasn't supposed to rain, and we were caught unaware by it. I think it annoyed him. All I could think of was Singin' in the Rain after Gene Kelley left whats-her-name on the doorstep. I hadn't taken myself for a romantic. I suppose we can still surprise ourselves sometimes. We were trying to find a place to eat that was still open which we eventually did. It was the first of many very good meals shared though the only one I remember sharing through precipitation. Perhaps I'm wrong. I'm wrong about a lot of things these days.

It stopped raining today. I walked home from work as the sun set against lingering storm clouds casting against them the most vivid red hue I've seen. I tried to remember if I've ever seen a color like that before. Once, on the way to dinner months later with the same man.

As I walked home today the sun set, the rain washed all the city smells from the street and I thought about time and change and how there are no what-ifs in nature they're only ares.

There are decisions that we make, decisions that alter the course of our lives that were made in moments of haste, anger, fear, frustration, but most often as a method of self-preservation. We human beings are so fragile, so inept, so proud. We think we know what's best for us, what's going to make us happy, what's going to keep us safe. We don't. If we did we would keep our mouths shut; we would be more patient, more loving, more kind. But we don't. So we say things we don't mean, do things we wish we hadn't in the name of our pride, our lack of understanding.

Then comes living with the decision. Believe me, I can do it. I'm strong enough and certainly stubborn enough to plow through my own mess. I don't necessarily want to. The truth of the matter is looking back on it, even if it appears as no time at all has passed, I can see clearly that I made decisions that I didn't really want to make. Decisions that feed into my own fears, my own what-ifs. But if I'd been patient, and had I been kind. But, if, had...

It may be true that there are only ares, there is also was; and was was good. So while the streets may be cleaned and the shore cleared of receding footprints, there was a dinner, there was a sunset, there was a shooting star, and there was a warm October night. It rained today and I remembered was. I will not forget.